Saying Goodbye

Last Thursday a friend of our church was killed in a tragic diving accident. Kurtis McKinstry was only 23 years old and we were all terribly shocked to learn of his death.

Words fail at a tragic time like this. Yet I remember hearing Charlie Johnson speaking about the first time he had to preach a funeral while in seminary. He was overcome with the weight of the assignment and went and visited one of his professors. He said he cried like a baby. Then that seminary professor got out of his chair walked around his desk and literally shook Charlie. "Listen to me, young man. You are going to go out there and tell that family that Jesus Christ rose from the grave because that is our Gospel and that is what we are called to proclaim."

Into the darkness of death the preacher is called to speak the light of life. Here is what I shared at Kurtis' memorial. May it bring comfort to us all. And may Kurtis rest in peace.

I begin with a story from when Brad and Kurt were very young boys, just five or six years old. The two brothers were playing outside in the yard when the next thing Ruth, the boys’ mother, knew Kurt burst inside the house. He was breathless. “Brad gone cross the hay,” he said. That was six-year-old speak for Brad had gone beyond the natural boundaries of the property and ventured into territory they both knew they were not supposed to go. “Yeah,” Brad said on Saturday, “he was always the one tattling on me.”

Kurtis P. McKinstry.

“A brother.”

Here are some other words and phrases that I have heard used to describe Kurt over this weekend: “A free spirit.” “A good dancer.” “A partier.” “An artist.” “Humble, but cocky” (that one’s from Brad). “A real ladies’ man” (that one’s from his grandma). “A person who loved life.”

Only 23 years old it was a life that was just too short. His was truly a tragic death, and as the preacher charged with coming to you with a message this morning I wish I could tell you I knew the reason why. But I have to confess I don’t. I can only say that I can be here to help us all to mourn well. I pray that that is enough.

When a young person like Kurtis dies we mourn two things. First, we mourn the loss of who he was. We mourn his strength and vitality and zest for life. We mourn his smile and the smiles he gave us. We mourn his presence. We know that the absence of that presence will leave a terrible void in our lives.

But there is something else we mourn also. We mourn not only who Kurtis was, but also who he was becoming. We mourn the fact that he never had a chance to fully know and appreciate the unique gift that he was to the world. Kurtis was still in many ways an adolescent. He was just beginning to become the person he was created to be. Kurt had hopes and dreams and we had hopes and dreams for him. So in that respect we are mourning not only the past we lost, but also the future we never had.

Mourning well is a really important thing. In this culture we are taught to bottle things up and not show any emotion. Men have to be men. No crying allowed.

But let’s don’t forget that Jesus himself cried. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus in the story that was read earlier by Kurt’s grandpa. What does that tell us? Death saddened Jesus just like it saddens us, and he gave himself permission to feel that sadness. We should give ourselves permission to feel that sadness also. We should give ourselves permission to feel the things that we are feeling. Anger, frustration, grief, regret, guilt, bitterness. We should be honest with each other about the things we are feeling. And the person we should be most honest with is God. God can handle our honesty. God can handle our grief and our pain and our questioning. God is big enough to handle all those things.

Mourning well also means remembering. On Thursday night when we found out about Kurt many of us gathered up at the hospital. As we sat in the room Ruth said something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She said that the day she found out she was pregnant with Kurt she drove back from the doctor’s office singing, “I’m the happiest girl in the whole USA.” Pain and loss are a part of the risk of loving. Yet the grace of remembering well is learning to realize that in spite of our loss and our pain we would do it all over again. Ruth and Kevin would have Kurt again. And in spite of the pain today, we too would allow him to come into our lives once more.


Another thing I heard Kurt described as this week was a Good Samaritan. As I gathered with the family and a couple of his friends on Saturday it was decided that it would be appropriate to pay tribute to Kurt by reading that story that Jesus gives us in the Gospel of Luke. Kurt, it was said, was just the kind of guy who would stop and help someone if they needed a hand. He would do anything for anybody. I imagine he got that from his daddy. Whether it was helping out on the farm or at his uncle Jerry’s or uncle Tim’s houses, Kurt was indeed the kind of guy who would take time out to give a hand. I think this sunk in most for me last night when I stopped and read what someone had written on one of the poster boards put out in memory of Kurtis. “Thank you for helping me learn how to ride my bike,” signed Jen. A Good Samaritan, yes, and a hero also in some little girl’s eyes also.

How will you remember Kurt? Some of us will remember him as the guy who always gave hugs. Some of us will remember him as a great football player. Some of us will remember him as the friend who stuck closer than a brother. A few of us will remember him as the son and brother who camped out under the stars and wondered if there was life out there. We will all remember him for proudly living up to the slogan on his own t-shirt: “Mr. Lizard never looked both ways.” He lived and died that way, going for it at full throttle.

I for one am going to remember Kurt just the way I saw him on Wednesday, July 4th. After the parade in Colchester Village a dozen or so of us gathered on the front lawn of the church and played a game of waffle ball. Now we all know that Kurt was tall and strapping and quite the athlete. But he had no qualms playing in the front yard of the church with a few old geezers, a Baptist preacher and a bunch of eight year old church girls.

Kurt was a kid at heart.

Yet he was more than that. He was becoming more than that anyway. There was something deeper stirring inside of him. Some of us saw glimpses of that. After he left the church on the Fourth he took a ride with Kevin and Jill and began asking questions about church. Under that I really do believe he was asking questions about the meaning of life. Just what was happening inside that head and heart of his? I wondered that as I preached on Easter Sunday and saw something coming visibly to life on his face as he heard and wrestled with the Easter message? Just who was Kurt becoming? His grandmother Barb wondered that when just last Wednesday Kurt left a message on her machine and told her that he loved her for the very first time.

I sure wish I knew what was going on inside of Kurt. What was God up to? We’ll never really be sure, but I have a vague notion that something profound was taking place just below the surface.

When a young person like Kurtis dies we pause to look and see what is going on below the surface in us. In the face of life’s fragility it behooves each of us to look beyond the surface of our own flesh see what God is doing down deep inside. It is a time for asking questions — ultimate questions, like who am I? Why was I created? What good will I do in this world? What difference will I make? How will I be remembered?

Last night when we got home from Kurt’s wake I went downstairs and began writing this message. After a while Irie came down. She could tell that I under some stress but nevertheless she sat down right in my lap. She said she was sad because of Kurt’s loss. She said she needed me to hold her. “Love on me,” she said. “Love on me like you have all the time in the world.” I got to thinking about that. We need to love on each other like we have all the time in the world, because the fact of the matter is we don’t. We don’t have all the time in the world. We just have a short time. We just have right now.


Our right now with Kurt has ended. He has gone on to another place — a place that Jesus tells us we should not fear. “Let not your hearts be troubled,” he said. “Believe in God. Believe also in me. In my father’s house there are many rooms. If it were not so would I have told you that I go there to prepare a place for you? I am going there to prepare a place for you. I will come back and take you to be with me so that where I am you may be also.”

In the Lazarus story, after Lazarus has been dead for four days, Jesus finally arrives in Bethany. Everyone is weeping and wailing and mourning the loss of their friend. Mary and Martha are mourning the loss of their brother. Upon seeing Jesus Martha says, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

I imagine Jesus looking at her as tears streak down her face. He wants her to know something — something about Lazarus and himself and the resurrecting power of God. “Martha,” he says, “your brother will rise again.”

Brad, brother will rise again. Kevin, Ruth your son will rise again.

Kurt gone cross the hay.

But we ain’t seen the last of him.

Amen.