Curvatus

Yesterday an old friend from the past asked me over email how my relationship with the "big guy" is. I almost declined to answer because something about the "big guy" language bothers me. It is sort of like being asked how you are gettin along with God, your co-pilot.

Nevertheless I answered. And I am glad I did because somehow in talking about God I learned something about myself and my relationship with, well, you know. Here was my answer...

"I think my relationship with God has grown much deeper.  Much more authentic throughout the past year...perhaps throughout the past four.  After so much time wrestling within myself - with doubt, and rebellion - I have come to know God in and through service to others.  Augustine believed the root of evil to be no "thing" but instead a turning from God to self.  I think that is where I was - consumed with my self.  Giving my "self" away somehow turned me back.  In fact, now that I think about it, the Cross was exactly that - a self-emptying (kenosis).  This is most keenly seen in Philippians 2:5-11, but other places as well."

The ironic thing is that the answer obverts the question itself. Of course taking time to reflect upon where we are with God is important. But Augustine's thoughts on the nature of sin do challenge some of the assumptions I think we make about what it means to be in relationship with God. Religion worth its salt is never merely a private matter. True religion is always communal. Trinitarian even. It's not just about me and God. It's about me and God and the rest of creation also.

I suppose the point of all this is that there are times when we look at the mess we have made of our lives and it is obvious that we have somehow failed to love and enjoy God. Rather than despairing, however, the cure may be for us to say, "Screw it. I know I'm a bag of shit. Now, who needs my love?"